


Shoot Me

by btselca



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Canon Compliant, Depression, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lim Changkyun | I.M-centric, M/M, Multi, OT7, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2019-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-29 06:26:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,799
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15067130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/btselca/pseuds/btselca
Summary: Where did all of the color in Changkyun's life go? He didn't notice how sad he was getting. He didn't see how the sadness seemed to turn into something more permanent. In an industry that only speaks of mental health in hushed tones, how is he to keep going? Everything is Changkyun's life is painted in grey, and it might be too late to find the colors that he once saw.Alternatively, an angst fic in which Changkyun struggles with severe depression to the point of wanting to give up.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hello! i guess this is my attempt at another angst fic! please keep in mind that this will delve into self-harm, suicidal thoughts, and depression, so please feel free to click away if any of that triggers you. also, please remember that this is purely fictional!
> 
> the title and the concept of loss of color (depression) was inspired by day6's new song "shoot me" please check it out if you haven't!

Changkyun had been quiet the entire day. The group had been practicing for the past twelve hours to prepare for their world tour, which was approaching more quickly than any of them had anticipated. The seven members piled into the van, sweating and ready to fall over from exhaustion. Changkyun climbed in and put his forehead against the window, wishing that he could magically teleport himself back to the comfort of his cozy bed, away from the world, away from the members, away from the prying eagle-like eyes of the managers. He wanted to be alone.

He wasn't so lucky. Minhyuk put his arm around Changkyun, pulling the younger closer to him, and Changkyun repressed a sigh.

 

Once they were home, the seven all eventually showered and climbed in their respective beds with the promise of another early practice. Changkyun felt like his whole body was on fire, the urge to cry welling up hot and sure in his chest. 

_Why am I crying?_

He didn't know why. After all, Monsta X was more popular than ever; they took home two wins from music shows, and they were about to embark on their second world tour. The days of No.Mercy were remembered like fading scars, shiny and soft on skin. The fans loved him. He was constantly kept busy, which is something that he used to enjoy. He was living the life that so many trainees wished to live. It was more that Changkyun could've ever hoped for, yet the tears spilled down his cheeks as he stared at the ceiling in the dark. Changkyun let himself cry for a few minutes before he berated himself for being so ungrateful, climbing down from his bunk to wash his face.

He softly walked down the hall to the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Upon seeing himself in the mirror, Changkyun felt the sadness clawing in his chest again. 

_So ugly, so disgusting, how could anyone love you?_ Changkyun asked his reflection. His cheeks were too soft, his nose too wide, eyes too small, his skin still scarred from when he had breakouts. 

_And that's only my face,_ Changkyun thought, not even wanting to bring up the issues that he saw with the rest of his body. He wiped away his tears and splashed cold water on his face. 

Changkyun's legs suddenly felt wobbly like a newborn deer learning to walk. He grabbed the edge of the sink and lowered himself to the floor.

 _You're weak. You're pathetic. You should kill yourself,_ he told himself, already pulling up his shorts and reaching into his drawer. Changkyun's grip on the cold metal stilled his shaky hands, and the razor slid unforgivingly across his thigh as he closed his eyes. Changkyun's soft skin felt like it was being pulled too tightly against his bones and suffocating him, the razor unzipping the pain that he held inside so depserately and giving him relief. Finally opening his eyes, he assessed the damage, the crimson dripping to the floor next to him.

The sweltering pain that Changkyun felt in his chest was replaced with a feeling of hollowness. He thought that maybe if he knocked on his chest, there would be an echo.

 _Emptiness is better,_ he told himself as he cleaned up and hid the remnants of what he did in the bottom of the trash can.

The truth was that the emptiness felt worse. 

 

"How do you feel?"

Changkyun was silent, his small frame nearly being swallowed whole by the cushy chair he was sitting in.

"How do I feel?" Changkyun repeated aloud after a few seconds of silence. "I don't know. Alright, I guess."

"You're under a lot of stress recently, right? You mentioned that you're going on a world tour."

He fiddled with the hem of his shirt, unable to make eye contact. "I'm used to the stress."

"It must get to you sometimes, though?" the therapist asked as she took a note on her pale yellow notebook. 

"Yeah. I guess. That happens to everyone," Changkyun responded with a small chuckle. 

The group had a rare day off, and it had taken everything inside of Changkyun to convince the manager that he had to go somewhere by himself. With the promise that he would be back within a little over an hour, the manager finally let him go with a suspicious look and a warning that he better be back within the next two hours.

The woman looked up from her notebook, smiling. "Yes. So stress isn't an issue for you then. Do you ever feel hopeless?"

"Sometimes," he admitted, recalling the nights when he would toss and turn, telling himself that things would surely never get better.

"Do you ever have trouble concentrating?"

"Yeah."

After many more questions, the therapist, a small, dark-haired woman, was silent as she looked over her notes. 

"Changkyun, have you ever thought about hurting yourself?"

It was a loaded question, and Changkyun knew the answer. He cleared his throat, watching the clock on the wall tick. "Could you elaborate?" he asked softly, somehow hoping that she wasn't implying what Changkyun thought she was.

"Have you ever thought about suicide? You can be completely honest with me," she reminded Changkyun calmly, her voice sweet as if she was talking to a scared child.

This was the question that he had been dreading, yet the one that he was dying to answer. He finally made eye contact with the therapist. He opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out. 

Changkyu felt a sudden sense of dread at the words dancing on the tip of his tongue. "I...uh, I'm sorry," Changkyun said, jumping to his feet. "It was a mistake coming here. I'm sorry," he rambled quickly before practically running out of the office. 

He didn't stop running until he got back to the dorm. Changkyun threw open the door, panting. He ignored the hyungs calling out for him and went to his shared room. He climbed to his bunk, pulled the blanket over his head, and cried until he fell asleep.

 

Jooheon knew that something was different about Changkyun recently. At two in the morning, when the dorm was quiet, a thick blanket of silence falling over their room, Jooheon heard someone--Changkyun--climb down from the top bunk and creep down the hallway, his small frame hardly making a noise. Jooheon hadn't been able to sleep with the stress of the world tour hanging over him, but he found it odd that the maknae couldn't sleep either, even though he always seemed exhausted. Fifteen minutes later, Jooheon heard the door open and close slowly and watched as the dark shadow climbed back up into his own bed. Jooheon thought that he heard sniffling, but that couldn't be right, could it? Changkyun _had_ been quiet the entirety of their practice, but his quietness wasn't anything new or spectacular. Jooheon decided to leave the younger member be for now, after all, maybe he was dealing with the stress of the tour as well. Maybe it was none of Jooheon's business, but he considered the maknae to be his best friend, so if something was wrong with Changkyun, _was it his business?_

Then, the next day, Changkyun snuck off somewhere with the consent of their manager, and the rest of the group was suspicious.

"Yah, why can he go sneak off to do whatever he wants while we rot in this dorm?" Minhyuk pouted after he heard the front door close. The other six members were gathered in their living room, watching a new drama that Wonho insisted they see. 

Minhyuk really directed his question towards Shownu, who raised an eyebrow. "I didn't tell him he could go anywhere. Manager hyung did."

"That's not fair," Wonho whined. 

"I just think he needed to get out of here for a little bit," Jooheon stated quietly. The other five turned to him. 

"Why?" Kihyun asked, instantly becoming worried. "Did something happen?"

Jooheon shrugged, not wanting to tell the others what he saw, or rather, heard, the night before. "He's been quiet lately, so maybe he just needed a break, hyung."

The others let the topic drop, opting to play the newest episode of a drama. They were about forty-five minutes into the episode before they heard the front door slam, signaling Changkyun's return. His chest was heaving rapidly and he looked like he was about to cry, but when Hyungwon and Kihyun called out for him, Changkyun ignored them, quickly walking to his room and shutting the door. 

Shownu grabbed the remote and paused the tv show. The other five watched his movements, unsure of what to do next. It was so unlike the maknae to ignore them, and after his suspicious absence, they were all a bit confused as to what was going on. A feeling of dread appeared over Shownu, and he decided that he had to talk to Changkyun to find out what was going on. He wasn't exactly good at having deep conversations, but something was clearly wrong, and he had to take his role as leader seriously. 

When Shownu went to get up, his arm was grabbed. He turned around and saw Jooheon shake his head. "Hyung, he ignored us. I think that he wants to be left alone for now."

Shownu reluctantly agreed and leaned back into his space on the couch. 

Little did they know that Changkyun had secretly hoped for one of the members to come check on him. They never did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this first chapter was so short; i just wanted to get into the swing of writing fics with multiple chapters again! a new update should be coming within the next couple of days if any of you care.
> 
> feel free to leave kudos or a comment! <3


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow, thank you all so much for the influx of kudos and comments! i really wasn't expecting it! i hope that you all continue to give me feedback on this story, as it really motivates me to continue writing quickly!

It happened again a few nights later when Changkyun was spending time in his studio. He was trying to work on some music so that he could have some sort of release. While Fly With Me only hinted at some of his struggles, he had a slew of darker, more honest songs saved on his computer. He had his head resting on top of his arms on the desktop, thinking about lyrics that would express what he was feeling. A thought came to Changkyun's mind, and he sat up, grabbed his pen, and sloppily jotted the lyrics down. Changkyun read over his last couple of lines and sighed.

 _This is shit. I can't work with this,_ he thought. He put the pen down and let out a forceful sigh. Changkyun ripped the paper out of his notebook. He crumpled it up and threw it into the garbage bin. _Can I do anything right?_ Changkyun wondered, suddenly feeling the sadness consuming him. Picking up the pen, he tried to focus on writing lyrics instead of doing the one thing that was emerging from the back of his mind like a thick fog spreading through his skull. Changkyun tried to write a lyric, a word, anything at all, but the fog was consuming him. Changkyun felt like boiling water was poured down his throat, his stomach coiling as tears appeared in his eyes. 

_There's a pencil sharpener in my drawer,_ Changkyun reminded himself. 

He snapped, a tear rolling down his cheek and falling to his desk. Changkyun broke open the pencil sharpener and took out the razor. He pushed his sweatpants down and slid the metal across his thigh. He released a breath that he didn't know he had been holding. The pain, the sight of blood, the release: they all comforted Changkyun. He instantly pulled his sweatpants back up, not caring if the blood seeped through because they were black, and besides, by the time he got back to the dorms, he realized, checking the clock, the hyungs would probably all be asleep anyway. None of them had contacted their maknae since a few hours prior, and it was now bordering on 12:30 AM. He cleaned up the bloody razor with some tissues and put it carefully back in the drawer.

For the next thirty minutes, Changkyun couldn't find it in himself to write anything. He sighed, deciding that he should probably just go back home and try to sleep. He locked his studio door and began his walk home. The streets of Seoul were normally bustling, but for some reason, on that night, they were empty. The night air felt warm and heavy. Changkyun pulled up his mask over his face.

He neared the Mapo Bridge that crossed the Han River. It was known location for suicidal people to attempt to take their lives. Changkyun had previously passed the bridge many times with no issue, but tonight, something inside of him felt so irrevocably broken. There were light up signs on the bridge's guardrails, encouraging people to seek help and not jump into the unforgiving waters below. Changkyun shoved his hands in his hoodie pocket when he noticed that he was shaking. He tried to keep walking; he really did, but a thought overcame him.

_Do it._

Changkyun stopped walking, now halfway across the bridge, and stared out over the water. 

_It would be so easy._

He placed his hands on the guardrail, leaning over to look at the water. Changkyun's whole body was now shaking at the thoughts that bombarded him.

 _I should do it already. I'm so worthless. Nobody would even miss me,_ Changkyun told himself. _Jump._

He shifted his weight onto his hands so that he could hoist himself onto the ledge. Changkyun sat on the rail. He felt like his heart was going to pound out of his chest.

_In a few seconds, this could all be over. I could sink into nothingness. All the pain would be gone._

A sudden song cut through the silent air, shaking Changkyun from his thoughts. He realized that it was his phone. He fished it out of his pocket, his one remaining hand holding a death grip on the railing.

"Hello?" his voice wavered. He sounded out of breath.

"Changkyunnie?" Jooheon asked, "Are you okay?"

Hearing his hyung's voice, Changkyun fell out of his trance. He widened his eyes, suddenly realizing what he was doing: he was sitting on the ledge of a bridge, about to throw himself into the water below. He swung around and pushed himself safely back onto the sidewalk, breathing heavily.

"Changkyun," Jooheon repeated. His voice sounded more urgent. "Where are you?"

Changkyun finally found his voice. "I-I'm on my way home," he said quietly. His legs felt weak. He sank to the ground, leaning up against the rail behind him.

Jooheon felt his blood run cold. "Are you hurt? Do you want me to come get you? Or I can ask Shownu hyung to-"

"Don't," the maknae finally said. "I'm just tired. I needed to sit down and take a break on my way home."

"Where are you?" Jooheon repeated after a few seconds. Changkyun heard rustling in the background. "Stay where you are. I'm coming just-Can you tell me where you are?" the other rapper's voice sounded panicked.

"Mapo Bridge." 

The silence over the phone was deafening. Changkyun heard a door slam.

"Okay," Jooheon murmured. "I'm getting a taxi, okay? I'll be there in, like, five minutes. Do you wanna stay on the phone with me?" 

Changkyun tilted his head back. He tried looking for stars in the sky, but of course, there weren't any visible in Seoul. 

_"Changkyun."_

"No, hyung. It's okay. I'll see you in a few minutes."

When Jooheon finally got there about five minutes later, he got out of the taxi quickly. Notably still in his pajamas, Jooheon walked to Changkyun as if approaching an injured deer. He carefully crouched down next to the maknae, who was still looking at the sky, his face expressionless. 

"Let's go home, okay? Hyung is gonna bring you home," Jooheon said in a small voice. Changkyun made eye contact with the older member and gave a short nod. He grabbed Changkyun's wrist and pulled him up. He ushered the youngest into the back of the taxi. 

 

When they got back to the dorm, Jooheon kicked his shoes off and watched as Changkyun took off his own shoes as well. Jooheon cornered the younger member, wanting to ask a million things, but at the same time, not having any idea what to say. Changkyun could feel Jooheon's eyes trained on him. 

"It was nothing. I just got tired, and my knee was acting up earlier," Changkyun finally said. He wasn't making eye contact with Jooheon; he was looking at the floor like a puppy that was being scolded. 

Jooheon ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh. "Changkyun, if you-"

"I told you, it was nothing. Thank you for coming to get me," the younger said in a small voice, now pushing past Jooheon and going down the hallway into the bathroom. Jooheon went to the bathroom door and paused, debating on whether or not he should insist on having a conversation with Changkyun at that moment. The sound of the shower running echoed in the bathroom, and Jooheon decided that he would let the maknae get ready for bed. 

Later, when Changkyun came into their room, with Minhyuk and Kihyun fast asleep, Jooheon silently gestured for Changkyun to get into his bed. Jooheon wrapped his arms around his best friend, holding him closely as if Changkyun would slip between his fingers. Changkyun rested his head on Jooheon's shoulder.

"Goodnight, Kyunnie," Jooheon whispered.

Jooheon didn't let himself drift off until he heard Changkyun's breathing even out, signaling that the other was safely asleep in his arms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i highly suggest that you research mapo bridge because it is very real, very sad, and very interesting. feel free to comment and tell me your thoughts below! also, if you couldn't tell, i'm a sucker for jookyun, but their relationship will be completely platonic throughout this fic because i am more focused on writing about changkyun and his mental health. please remember to take care of yourselves <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi i'm back with another chapter already because i write when i'm sad!! here's a longer chapter this time to make up for the past two being short. i'm really sorry about that. 
> 
> things start to look up a little for our poor changkyun in this chapter! :))

Jooheon tossed and turned in his bed. He knew that there's no way he'd fall asleep if he kept restlessly flopping around in his bunk. He went to the living room and turned on the TV in an attempt to lull himself to sleep. Not twenty minutes later, he drifted off on the couch.

 

_Monsta X was backstage. They were getting ready for their concert in Seoul: the first stop on their world tour. While Hyungwon and Wonho were getting their hair done, Minhyuk and Kihyun were getting their makeup done. Jooheon was sitting on the couch next to Shownu, who was completely ready to go onstage, hair and makeup included. Shownu was dressed in their white crystal-embroidered outfit, playing a game on his phone. Jooheon looked around, noticing that a member of their family was missing._

_"Hyung?" Jooheon asked, waving his hand in front of Shownu's face. "Where's Changkyun?"_

_"Why aren't you dressed yet?" Shownu responded, eyeing Jooheon and dropping his phone to the floor. Jooheon swore that he heard the screen shatter, but Shownu made no move to pick it up._

_Jooheon looked down. His frayed pajama shorts stared back at him. He felt his pulse heighten at the fact that Shownu ignored his question. "Where's Changkyun?" Jooheon repeated._

_"He's dead," Shownu said, shrugging. He finally reached down and picked up his phone. Jooheon had been right. Small pieces of shattered glass fell to the floor as he lifted up the screen. Jooheon heard blood pounding in his ears._

_"That's not funny," the younger member said. He stood up to go find Changkyun, but his bare foot landed on the pieces of shattered glass. He didn't feel the pain. Jooheon ran out of the dressing room and down the hallway, blood pouring from his foot. The hallway was dark, and it just seemed to get longer. Jooheon called out for Changkyun, but he didn't receive an answer._

Jooheon awoke violently, sitting up straight. It took him a moment to gather himself before he checked to see what time it was. 1:23 AM. Jooheon decided that he should probably try to sleep in his bed again, but when he crept into the dark room, he didn't see Changkyun's figure in his bed. An innnate feeling that something was wrong overtook him. 

_It was just a dream,_ Jooheon told himself as he crept back out to the living room with his phone in hand. He immediately dialed Changkyun, trying to tell himself that the maknae had just fallen asleep at his studio or that he was still working on his music. Jooheon held his breath as he listened to the dial tone.

"Hello?" Changkyun answered on the second to last ring. His voice sounded breathy, like he had just been running a marathon.

Jooheon swallowed thickly. "Changkyunnie? Are you okay?"

Over the line, Jooheon heard a sharp inhale and then the sound of feet hitting pavement. _Something is wrong_ was the only thought running through Jooheon's head. When Jooheon finally asked where Changkyun was, he was holding his phone between his head and his shoulder, sliding on his closest pair of shoes. Then the answer came.

"Mapo Bridge."

Jooheon's heart fell to his stomach. He grabbed his house keys and hastily ran outside, the front door slamming sharply behind him. He knew what Mapo Bridge was; everyone knew what Mapo Bridge was. Jooheon himself had walked that bridge, looking at the signs on the rails that encouraged suicidal people not to jump. At the time, he just felt bad for anyone who could possibly feel bad enough to come to the bridge with the intent of suicide. He never thought that his own best friend could-

"Okay. I'm getting a taxi, okay? I'll be there in, like," Jooheon stuck his arm out for a taxi to stop, "five minutes. Do you wanna stay on the phone with me?" He asked quickly, afraid that Changkyun would do something stupid in the next five minutes. He slid into the passenger seat of the taxi and told the driver where to go. Jooheon missed the concerned expression on the driver's face as he hit the gas pedal. 

"Changkyun," Jooheon repeated when he didn't get an immediate answer. He felt like he could pass out.

"No, hyung. It's okay. I'll see you in a few minutes." The line went dead.

Jooheon looked at his phone to make sure that the call had really ended. He put his phone in his lap and cradled his head in his hands, willing himself to breathe. 

_What if he does something before I get there? Should I call the police? Will they get there any faster than I will? Should I try calling Changkyun again? What if I have to talk him down? How did I let things get this bad?_

"Are you okay?" The driver asked, startling Jooheon. 

"I don't know," Jooheon answered honestly, picking his head up. "My friend is..." he trailed off. The driver nodded.

Jooheon thought he might cry out of relief when he saw Changkyun sitting on the sidewalk with his head tilted up towards the sky. 

"He's there," Jooheon told the driver, pointing to where the younger member sat. The road was shockingly empty except for the taxi, so the driver just pulled over. Jooheon jumped over the rail separating the road from the sidewalk. He wanted nothing more than to hold Changkyun in his arms and talk to him. He wanted to reassure his best friend that, no matter what he was going through, it would be okay. Jooheon thought that maybe this would change things. Maybe Changkyun would open up to him now.

 

That didn't happen. Changkyun insisted that it was nothing, but Jooheon knew better. It wasn't a coincidence that Changkyun had stopped walking on that bridge. 

 

The next morning, the seven members were sitting sleepily around the table, eating breakfast before their final day of tour rehearsal. 

"Changkyun, what time did you finally come home last night?" Minhyuk asked. "I didn't even hear you come back."

Jooheon's head shot up, wondering if Changkyun would tell the others the truth. The maknae picked at his rice with his chopsticks. "I don't know. I was working on music until really late." 

"Did you write anything good?" Wonho inquired. He had always been always interested in music production, so it was typical that he would be excited about the prospect of the youngest member creating some new music.

Changkyun shook his head, his gaze remaining on the chopsticks. "No," he responded shortly. He almost let out a bitter laugh at the idea of him producing anything worthwhile, while in reality, he couldn't even write a decent verse.

"Jooheon-ah," Shownu said suddenly, "Where did you go last night?" The leader looked conflicted, as if he didn't know whether or not to bring up the subject.

Changkyun felt his pulse skyrocket at the question. If Jooheon ratted him out, the other members would surely hate him. 

_They'll all think I'm weak and pathetic. I could get in trouble with the company,_ Changkyun thought as he continued pushing around the rice on his plate, trying not to look at the older rapper so that it wouldn't cause suspicion.

"I couldn't sleep," Jooheon responded quickly. His instant answer told Changkyun that he'd already come up with a cover in case the question arose. "I went out for a walk to blow off some energy."

Shownu nodded as if he was satisfied, but his furrowed eyebrows told a different story. 

_He knows. How can he know?_

 

Practice was long and brutal that day. The choreographer worked them until they were drenched in sweat, but the members knew that all their hard work would be worth it just to give Monbebe a perfect concert. Changkyun wiped his sweat with the sleeve of his hoodie and took a swig from his water bottle, relieved that Shownu finally called for the end of the practice. 

Changkyun always appreciated the constant distraction of practices. He was always surrounded by the hyungs and had something to focus on instead of being left alone to his thoughts. 

"Everyone, go to the van please," Shownu announced as he turned the music off, "Changkyun, could you stay behind for a second?"

Changkyun felt his false sense of relief vanish, his pulse skyrocketing for the second time that day. He felt like a child who was about to get in trouble with the school principal. "Sure, hyung," he said quietly. 

Minhyuk, Wonho, Hyungwon, and Kihyun looked confused, while Jooheon looked scared as well. The older rapper tried to make eye contact with the maknae, but Changkyun was looking down at his feet, reminding Jooheon of the previous night when the maknae resembled a puppy being scolded.

After the rest of the group filed out, Shownu sat down across from Changkyun, whose mind was racing with the thought that Shownu knew, he hated him, and he was going to tell the others.

"Are you okay?" the leader said after a short silence. 

"What? Of course I'm okay, hyung, " Changkyun said, finally looking at the leader and managing to give a smile, his dimples appearing on his cheeks.

"You know that when you went to see that psychologist, you listed manager hyung as your emergency contact?" 

Changkyun's small smile immediately dissipated. He felt like he was about to pass out, the room beginning to spin around him. 

"Your psychologist had reason to believe that you were in danger, so she called manager hyung when you left...he thought that you'd rather talk to me than to him. You know I'm not the best with...with this kind of thing, but is it true? Are you...suicidal?" Shownu asked. The leader said the word like it was a curse word. Changkyun had never seen Shownu's expression so solemn before.

Changkyun felt tears of shame well up in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. "I'm sorry, hyung," he muttered, his voice breaking. 

Shownu's heart broke at the indirect confirmation of his question. He moved closer to the younger member. "No. Don't be sorry. I'm not mad, Kyunnie," the leader said, reaching out to put a hand on the maknae's knee. "Listen, I know that things haven't been easy for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. I should've been a better leader. I should've been a better hyung." 

Changkyun shook his head. The tears managed to fall from his eyes anyway. "It's not your fault. It's mine. I'm weak and pathetic. I would be better off dead." 

The words were out of his mouth before Changkyun could even register what he said. Shownu's jaw fell open in shock, only for him to close his mouth a second later. 

"That's..." Shownu began. "That's not true." He swallowed a lump in his throat. 

The younger member truly hadn't meant to put Shownu in the uncomfortable position that they found themselves in. He didn't mean to voice his internal thoughts. However, he knew that there was no use in arguing with Shownu in an attempt to make the leader see how worthless he is. He didn't say anything and instead twisted his water bottle between his palms anxiously. 

"Do you really think that?" Shownu inquired. He didn't wait for Changkyun to answer. He inched forward and wrapped the maknae in a tight hug. 

Changkyun broke. The tears flowed like a floodgate was opened, and his mouth followed suit. 

"I'm so sorry hyung I didn't mean to get this sad I can't control it and I need to hurt myself sometimes and I almost jumped from Mapo Bridge last night and Jooheon came and got me it's not his fault and I'm so sorry I'm so sorry please don't hate me please don't tell the others I swear I won't do it again don't tell manager hyung-" 

"Breathe," Shownu demanded softly upon hearing Changkyun beginning to hyperventilate. Truthfully, Shownu had no idea how to respond to Changkyun's confessions, but his heart was breaking. He held the maknae until he started breathing normally. When Shownu released Changkyun from his hug, he finally saw it: he saw the sadness and exhaustion painted on his face that he hadn't noticed before. 

"I appreciate you trusting me, Changkyunnie. But I really think you need to get some help from a professional-" 

"No," Changkyun immediately interjected firmly, but he was still sniffling, making him sound like a defiant child. 

"-because this is very serious. We can't lose you," Shownu continued slowly. "I think that you should go back to that psychologist, or if you didn't like her, we can talk to management because they will recommend a therapist for you-" 

"No," Changkyun repeated. "If I go to therapy, the other members will find out. The fans might find out, and if they find out, it's over." 

Shownu sighed, defeated. He knew that Changkyun was right. Mental illness was a very taboo topic in Korea, and Changkyun would potentially put his career on the line if he visited a therapist. 

"Okay," Shownu finally agreed. "No therapy. But you have to promise me that you won't hurt yourself." 

"I don't-" 

"Promise me. Please. If something happened to you, I..." Shownu trailed off, his expression unreadable. 

Changkyun knew that he couldn't make a promise that he wasn't absolutely certain he could keep. He unconsciously ran his fingertips over where his cuts were underneath his sweatpants. He knew that there was no way he was getting out of this unless he promised.

"I promise," he finally said.

Shownu sighed out of relief before leaning forward and wrapping the maknae into a tight hug once again, his big arms engulfing the younger member.

"Hey, we start our tour tomorrow, isn't that exciting?" Shownu asked, trying to make conversation that wasn't heavy.

The maknae sniffled and then let out a giggle at how ridiculous the question was, given the context of the situation. "Yeah," he responded with somewhat of a laugh, which was kind of difficult considering that his face was smushed up against Shownu's chest. "Hyung, I kinda can't breathe."

"Oh. Sorry," Shownu said. He released Changkyun from his death grip and met the younger's glance with the leader's signature smile, his cheeks pushing his eyes shut.

"Ah, cute~" Changkyun cooed.

Shownu blushed and stood up. "The others are never gonna let us hear the end of it if we don't get out there."

Changkyun pushed himself up as well. He gathered his bag and trailed behind the leader out of the practice room.

"Changkyunnie, we love you, and if you ever wanna talk..." the elder member reminded him as the walked down the hallway.

The maknae knew he would never accept that offer, but it was comforting to have the option, should he ever want it. "Thank you," Changkyun said sincerely.

For some reason, at the conversation with Shownu, Changkyun felt as though a weight was lifted off his chest and he could breathe a bit easier now.

When the last two members got into the van, there were some suspicious glances at Changkyun's obviously swollen eyes, but nobody said anything. Soon enough, Hyungwon was already fast asleep, and Minhyuk and Kihyun were arguing about a game on their phones. Changkyun was next to Jooheon, who was scrolling through Twitter. Changkyun laid his head on Jooheon's shoulder.

"Hyung?" Changkyun said quietly enough, so that only Jooheon could hear.

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

Jooheon furrowed his eyebrows and stuck out his bottom lip in confusion, dropping his phone to his lap. "For what, Kyunnie?" 

"Everything."

Jooheon smiled and put his arm around the maknae. They fell asleep like that, the movement of the van lulling them to sleep. 

All too soon, they reached the dorm. Hyungwon awoke from his slumber with a groan. He stretched his long arms out, sufficiently hitting Wonho in the face. Kihyun let out a wild cackle at the spectacle before him while Wonho held a hand to his cheek where he had been hit. He had a small pout on his lips. The whole van erupted in laughter before the members all piled out of the van and went to their dorm.

They took turns showering, and Changkyun was the last to shower that night. He ran his hands over the cuts that he inflicted the previous night. A small seed of hope bloomed inside of Changkyun as he looked down at the angry, red cuts that littered his thighs. He'd already promised Shownu that he wouldn't hurt himself anymore, and in that moment, he vowed to himself that he would get better. As Changkyun laid in bed that night, for the first time in awhile, he thought that maybe things would get better. Maybe he could be happy again. 

 

 

Things were beginning to look up. The two Seoul concerts were amazing, and performing onstage in front of Monbebes reminded Changkyun of another reason why he should stay alive. Since he vowed to get better, he was making a mental list of things to stay alive for. He mentally added "monbebe" to his list during the first day of the tour. Changkyun loved seeing their smiles, hearing their cheers, and being able to make them happy. Truthfully, Changkyun didn't think about his near suicide attempt until after the concerts, back at the dorm, when Jooheon would insist on the maknae sleeping in his bed or when Shownu would ask him how he's doing. Changkyun knew that they were only doing it because they cared about him, but he wished that they would treat him normally. 

_I guess I gave up my freedom,_ Changkyun thought bitterly as he laid in bed next to Jooheon, who was cuddling the younger member. All of a sudden, a sense of despair tugged at his mind. 

_I told myself that I'm not doing this anymore. Stop being so weak,_ he told himself.

Changkyun knew what happened to idols who let the sadness turn into something deeper. He knew about how dangerous it was to have it in the idol industry. He knew about the illness, but he couldn't force himself to even consider that _he_ could ever possibly have it. The word emerged dark in the back of his mind, burning itself behind his closed eyelids.

_Depression._

He felt like a pit of black water opened below him and he was falling into it. 

_No. I do not have depression._

He knew that he was denying the reality of the situation. He knew that he was sick when he made the psychologist appointment. But he also knew that he couldn't afford to be sick if he's an idol. Idols are supposed to be happy; they're supposed to be strong. They're supposed to be perfect.

 _I can't be any of those things if I have..._

Changkyun couldn't bear to finish his thought. He was getting better; he promised himself he would. He wouldn't let himself be sick. He would be happy, strong, and as perfect as he could possibly be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i wrote and rewrote this chapter like five times, so i apologize for any mistakes. things are gonna get really intense in the next chapter. feel free to leave kudos or a comment <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, his chapter took a long time. every time that I sat down to write it, I ended up deleting it. I wanted this chapter to be written a certain way. I'm sorry to take so long (if anyone is even still reading this). please read at your own discretion. this will be triggering for some.

Changkyun opted for a window seat on the plane, putting his earbuds in and turning on a soft playlist, the mellow music putting some of his anxiety at ease. He rested his head against the cool window, watching the raindrops fall down the glass. As the plane raced down the runway, Changkyun held his breath. He exhaled the second the plane lifted off the ground. The flight to Bangkok was about six hours long, and Changkyun was planning on using the six hours to make up for the sleep that he didn't get the previous night. Hyungwon was already fast asleep next to him, his head tipped back, his pink hair splayed out across the headrest. The maknae pulled the shade down over the window and tipped his head back as well, his eyelids too heavy to keep open. 

When he opened his eyes again, the plane was touching the ground, the whole cabin jolting at the impact of the wheels coming into contact with the runway. He pulled the window shade up to see that it was raining in Thailand too. Changkyun ignored the anxiety bubbling up in his chest at the thought that perhaps the rain was an ominous message. Changkyun filed behind the other members with his bag, adjusting his hair and pulling his mask over his face in preparation for the fansites who were waiting in Bangkok to take photos of him. He hoped that his face wasn't too swollen from his six hour sleep. The last thing he wanted was to disappoint the fans with his ugly appearance. He waved at the fans snapping photos of him and quickly went to the van, not wanting to spend even an extra second in front of the cameras. 

The members were allowed thirty minutes to freshen up at the hotel before they had to go to a full rehearsal of the concert in preparation for the next day's concert. Changkyun followed Jooheon down the hallway, who he was rooming with. Jooheon fiddled with the key for a few seconds before the door finally opened. Changkyun threw his bag and then himself down on the nearest bed and let out a sigh, wishing he could curl up and fall back asleep. Jooheon set his bag down on his respective bed and flopped down next to the younger member. Changkyun reached out like an infant reaching for his mother, grabbing the fabric of Jooheon's shirt and pulling him close. The older rapper moved closer until he was face-to-face with Changkyun, admiring how the maknae's eyes were shut so peacefully, his eyelashes dusting across his cheeks. 

"You okay?" Jooheon whispered. 

"Tired," Changkyun whined, snuggling to Jooheon's chest. 

Jooheon really wished he could hold his best friend to his chest and let the drowsiness take over, but he also knew that they had to freshen up and change before rehearsal, or they would regret it later. He petted Changkyun's hair, allowing the corners of his mouth to turn up at how cute the maknae was. 

"Just this rehearsal, and then we can come back and sleep," Jooheon reluctantly reminded the small figure curled up to his chest. 

Changkyun finally opened his eyes, groaning and stretching his arms above his head. The career that he chose for himself consisted of being tired and rehearsing even when he didn't feel like it; he knew that, but sometimes it felt extra hard to push his sleepiness aside and do his job. Changkyun begrudgingly rolled out of the bed with a sigh, leaving Jooheon missing the warmth of the younger member. Jooheon echoed Changkyun's sigh and got up as well. They changed into their practice clothing quickly, both of them silently hoping that practice would go by easily so that they could come back to their room and sleep. 

Changkyun always felt like he could breathe a bit easier when he was in a new city with new things to see and new people to meet. He glanced out the window, admiring the beauty of the city in front of his eyes. Something about new sights made the world seem less small and his mind seem less suffocating. He was knocked from his thoughts at the van entering the backstage gate and coming to a halt. The members piled out of the van, carrying their practice bags along with them, being ushered along by the managers. 

Practice, unfortunately for the memebrs, was not going nearly as well as they'd anticipated. The venue's stage was smaller than what they were used to performing on, causing Hyungwon to trip over Shownu, resulting in Minhyuk's foot being stepped on. 

"The formation for Beautiful needs to be perfect," Wonho whined as he reached down to take a sip from his water bottle after yet another grueling run-through of the track with yet another mishap with spacing. The group's choreographer stood on the side of the stage, directing them pointedly throughout the rehearsal, telling the members to be more in sync, to not lift their arms too high, and to move here, not there. 

"Okay, Changkyun, you need to get up quicker so that the members can get to their spots," the choreographer advised. Changkyun wiped sweat from his forehead with his sleeve and nodded, feeling completely exhausted and frustrated but not having the capacity to even try and argue that it wasn't _him_ who needed to move faster. 

_Of course it's you who fucked up everything,_ Changkyun told himself. _All you do is fuck up._

The music started again, and Changkyun focused intently on his movements, making a mental note that he needed to get up faster in order for the choreography to be perfect. When the time came for him to get up, he tried to do it quickly, but felt his kneecap shift and his legs buckle under his weight, a sharp pain shooting up his leg. It was excruciating. Changkyun laid on the floor, knees to his chest, his vision whiting out from the agony. He knew that he wouldn't be able to get up on his own, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. He covered his face with his arms, willing the tears to stay in his eyes. Changkyun wasn't about to cry over an injury in front of his members.

"Fuck," Jooheon said, immediately crouching down next to the younger member. "Changkyun, are you okay? What happened?" The other members circled around him as well, worried about their maknae. 

"Can you stand up?" Shownu questioned calmly. Shownu had always been the type of person to remain calm in every situation. Changkyun shook his head in response, unable to form words due to the pain in his knee. 

Shownu bent down and moved Changkyun's arms away from his face. "Can you sit up?" He asked. Changkyun moved slowly, terrified that he would hurt himself even more. Wonho was behind the maknae, holding him in an upright position. The choreographer rushed back onstage holding an ice pack, setting it down next to Shownu. Changkyun _knew_ that this was an injury that couldn't be healed by an ice pack. His mind was bombarded by thoughts. _I'm fucking everything up. If I can't perform, then the whole choreography will be ruined. Monbebes will be so disappointed in me. Manager hyungs will be mad at me._

"It's starting to swell," Minhyuk observed as he glanced at Changkyun's knee. 

"We should take him to the hospital," The choreographer finally said. "There's no way he can perform with his knee like that," he stated, gesturing to Changkyun's kneecap that appeared to be swelling more and more every second.

The words made Changkyun's heart drop. His fears were confirmed. Starship would have to put out a statement saying that Changkyun was injured and he won't be able to perform at the concert. Or, Changkyun grimaced as he looked at his leg, any concert for awhile. The thought felt like cold water rushing into Changkyun's lungs. The maknae stood with Shownu holding him up on one side and Wonho on the other. They helped bring him to the van, where a manager was waiting. Changkyun clenched his teeth to bear the pain, sliding into the passenger seat. He placed the ice pack over his kneecap. Changkyun waited for the manager's scolding, but it never came. He thought for sure that he would get in trouble for not being careful enough, for not taking a break to give his leg a rest, but instead, the manager drove diligently to the hospital without a word except a soft "Are you doing okay?" Changkyun hummed in response, not wanting to admit how much pain he was actually in.

______________________________________________________

“ACL tear,” the doctor told Changkyun after examining his swollen knee. “Now, you have some options.” 

“Is this something that is long-term? He’s an idol. His career relies on dancing,” the manager interrupted, automatically becoming stressed from the diagnosis. Changkyun felt completely numb. He knew, even before the doctor had a chance to answer, that this _would_ be long term. His heart felt like it fell to his toes.

“I’m afraid that this is something that will require quite a bit of recovery time,” the doctor, a short woman with a neat appearance, answers honestly. “Changkyun can either go straight into physical therapy without any procedures. That would postpone the surgery.” 

Changkyun hated how she spoke about him like he wasn’t sitting right there, his leg propped up and in a splint. 

“…there’s no telling how long that could possibly take, or if that would even be an option given his career. The best way to recover would be for him to get a minor surgery to repair the tear, and then complete physical therapy.” 

“How long will it take to get back to work if I get the surgery?” Changkyun finally spoke, his voice soft and defeated. His mind was stirring. 

“You will be able to start moving around on your knee within a few weeks of surgery, but to get back to performing?” the doctor paused. “It could be around four or five months.”

Changkyun swallowed thickly, forcing himself not to lose his shit. Not being able to perform for _months_ meant that, not only would he not be able to perform for the rest of the world tour, but that he would need to go back to Korea to get his medical treatment. He would be alone until the world tour was over. Changkyun’s eyes moved from his swollen kneecap to his hands, which were shaking in his lap.

The rest of Monsta X continued practice, Changkyun in the back of their minds as they danced. As soon as they finished their final run-through, Shownu raced to his phone to see if he received any updates on their youngest member. He saw that he had a missed call from the manager. The other five members gathered behind Shownu, also dying to know what was going on with Changkyun. Shownu immediately called the manager back. 

He put the call on speaker phone for the sake of the other members.

“Shownu,” the manager said when he picked up the phone. “We have some bad news.” There was a silence on the line. Wonho bristled next to Shownu’s side. “Changkyun, do you wanna talk to your hyungs?” There was a rustling in the background, presumably the manager passing off the phone to the maknae. 

“Changkyunnie, how are you?” Kihyun automatically questioned. “Are you okay?”

“I have a tear in my ACL. I need surgery,” Changkyun responded. His voice sounded small. 

“Surgery?” Jooheon repeated. “Does that mean…?”

“I’m supposed to fly home tomorrow. I won’t be able to perform for the rest of the world tour. It could take up to five months for me to get back to normal.”

A hush fell upon the group. They never felt right without a member, and the thought of touring without Changkyun broke their hearts. Minhyuk was the first to speak up. “FIVE MONTHS? Baby, I’m so sorry,” he cooed in earnest, knowing exactly how their maknae felt. He had a knee surgery a few years prior, and he had gone through hell to make a full recovery. 

“Yeah. Five months,” Changkyun repeated. “We’re going back to the hotel now.”

“Do you want us to bring you back food?” Hyungwon questioned. “We’re starving. You must be hungry too.” 

“No. Not hungry,” the maknae responded shortly. “I should go. Have a nice dinner.” 

An uneasiness fell over Wonho. “Changkyunnie, we love you. You know that, right? We’ll call you every day, even when you’re in the hospital.”

Changkyun said nothing for a few seconds, then finally said, “I love you too.” He hung up abruptly, leaving Shownu holding up his phone for a few seconds before returning it to his bag.

__________________________________________________________________

Jooheon placed his hotel key in the door slot and entered his room, his eyes immediately searching for Changkyun. He brought the younger member food despite his denial that he was hungry, knowing that Changkyun would probably appreciate the food anyway. He didn't see the younger member in bed, but saw that the door to the bathroom was closed. Jooheon kicked off his shoes and put Changkyun's food in the mini fridge. Jooheon laid down on the bed and scrolled through his phone. After a few minutes, when Changkyun still didn't come out of the bathroom, Jooheon put his phone in his pocket and went to the door.

"Changkyunnie, I brought you food if you want it. Are you okay?" Jooheon asked, his voice starting to sound concerned. 

Jooheon's heart started beating faster when there was no response. He knocked on the door. "Changkyun?" he asked, louder this time. "Are you okay?" 

The silence seemed deafening. Jooheon knocked again, more frantically this time. "Changkyun, seriously, this isn't funny. I'm coming in." 

Jooheon pushed the door open, relieved when the door was unlocked. Any sense of relief that Jooheon felt left in an instant. He saw Changkyun, his body hanging limply from the shower rod, a belt fastened around his neck. Jooheon just watched for a second, his chest heaving. 

"No no no no no Changkyun, no," Jooheon whispered, trying to push Changkyun's legs up in an attempt to relieve the pressure around his neck. Changkyun's body flopped like a rag doll, not letting Jooheon push him up. 

The panic set in as tears rolled down Jooheon's cheeks. He screamed. Changkyun's face was turning blue. 

"HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!" Jooheon yelled, the scream ripping through his throat. He climbed on the edge of the tub, feeling like time was moving in slow motion. He held his balance and tried to pull Changkyun up under from his arms to lessen the weight bearing down on Changkyun's neck. Jooheon managed to hold the younger member up in a way so that he wasn't hanging anymore. Changkyun's head rolled to the side, his eyelids fluttering open. His eyes were rolled back into his skull. "HELP! SOMEONE PLEASE!" he screeched. He was sure that someone would have to hear him. Jooheon tried to hold up Changkyun and loosen the belt from around his neck at the same time, but it was impossible to do with only two hands. 

"Help," he choked out. "HELP! HELP!" he cried. Jooheon's entire body was shaking from sobs and fear. He wasn't even sure if Changkyun was still alive, and the thought of him being too late or too incapable of saving his best friend shook Jooheon to his very core. 

"Jooheon?" A voice called from the other side of the main door. "Was that you yelling? Are you okay?" It was Hyungwon, whose room was right across the hall. 

"NO! HELP ME PLEASE! PLEASE!" Jooheon screeched, tears streaming from his eyes. He didn't know how much longer he could physically hold Changkyun up. 

"We don't have the key to this room, Jooheon!!! " another voice joined. It was Wonho. Jooheon felt his arms start to shake from fatigue. "CHANGKYUN IS DYING!!" Jooheon screeched. 

Saying those words out loud sent an icy shock of adrenaline running through Jooheon's veins. He pushed his arms up, ignoring the tiredness with a renewed vigor. The sound of running footsteps echoed down the hallway. Jooheon knew that Hyungwon and Wonho were going to get someone to open the door, but the prospect of being alone with his dying best friend made him want to throw up. 

"Changkyunnie, please," Jooheon sobbed at Changkyun, whose head was resting limply to the side. "Please don't die," he begged. "Hyungs are gonna take care of you, just please...hold on..." 

Jooheon heard the front door open, two of their managers running in first. Jooheon was grateful that their managers had an extra key to all the rooms. Hyungwon and Wonho were behind them, and Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Shownu were pushing through the doorway as well. 

"FUCK," Changkyun's manager cursed, running to the two youngest members and undoing the belt from around Changkyun's neck. Changkyun fell floppily into Jooheon's arms. Jooheon got down from the ledge of the tub, hurriedly placing the maknae on the floor. The manager started started doing compressions on Changkyun's chest. Jooheon fell with his back against the edge of the tub and sobbed, watching helplessly. 

"Stay back. Don't look," The other manager said to the other members, blocking the doorway. Wonho tried to push through the manager. The other four stood in shock. "We called an ambulance. They'll be here any second," he said. 

Jooheon closed his eyes. The sound of rushing blood filled his ears. The adrenaline finally left his veins. When he opened his eyes to see Changkyun's blue face and the manager pressing his chest, Jooheon passed out.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh wow hi everyone!! im alive...kinda?? college this past year was so hard on me and my mental health. is anyone still reading this? i havent abandoned this fic, but i hope that you understand that the nature of this story can take a toll on me and it was difficult to find time/motivation to keep writing :(( please be warned that there are mentions of suicide (shocker) and vomiting in this chapter.

Jooheon woke up and felt like his skin was scalding, fingernails finding his soft face and scratching, knees buckling and somehow finding himself on the floor, hearing voices, seeing shapes, understanding nothing. _He understood nothing._ Or maybe he understood everything, could still feel Changkyun's weight in his arms, see the way the belt cut into Changkyun's neck, closed his eyes and saw the way that Changkyun smiled or heard the way he laughed, saw the way he was slumped on the ground at Mapo Bridge. His thoughts mixed together like ingredients to a lethal poison, and he leaned over and threw up onto the floor, not missing the way that paramedics in crisp white uniforms rushed into the bathroom to take Changkyun away to fix him. _Could they even fix him?_ Jooheon heaved once again at the thought. He felt a hand rest gently on his back. 

The paramedics lifted Changkyun onto a stretcher, lifted him carefully and carried him through the door, and then he was out of sight. _He was gone._ Every second that passed made Jooheon even more panicked because it was a second away from when Changkyun was okay, when he was breathing, when he was alive, and now Jooheon wasn't sure of any of those things. His stomach heaved for the third time, nothing coming out except for a broken scream from his wrecked throat. It was too much. Jooheon's fingernails sunk into his face again, scratching across the flesh until he could taste blood across his lips. A set of strong, gentle hands gripped his wrists and Jooheon heard a scream. 

"Jooheon, don't, please," commanded a soft, defeated voice. It was Shownu. Jooheon thrashed under his grip, wanting to scratch away at his skin until there was nothing left, nothing left to feel, nothing left to see. "Jooheon, Jooheon, Jooheon," Shownu chanted like it was a mantra, not releasing his strong grip even once. A manager's hand came to help Shownu, but Shownu shook his head, still repeating Jooheon's name. It was only when Jooheon blacked out again that Shownu was able to release his grip, finally noticing Jooheon's blood on his hands from a large scratch that tore his face open. Shownu looked at Jooheon, and then the other members, who were standing in the doorway, still in complete shock. Shownu only realized that he was crying when he glanced at the bathroom lights, blurry behind his tears. He had no idea what to say, and as the leader, he was supposed to say something, right? 

But what was there to say when Changkyun could be dead and Jooheon was passed out on the bathroom floor?

"Does he need medical attention?" Asked a police officer who seemingly appeared out of thin air. Shownu opened his mouth to answer, but it lingered there on the tip of his tongue, knowing that, yes, Jooheon most certainly needed medical attention, but he couldn't force the word out of his lungs, every breath feeling too heavy. 

"Yes," a manager's voice said carefully, who was crouched next to Jooheon on the floor, rubbing his back. The officer spoke into her radio, presumably to get Jooheon some medical attention.

"Should we...? We should go to the hospital," Kihyun finally said, wiping his cheeks. Nobody answered. They were all staring at the belt in the middle of the tile floor.

___________________________________________________________________________

Changkyun opened his eyes. 

_Why is it so bright here?_

For a second he wondered if he died, but when his eyes finally adjust to the beaming light overhead, he understood that he wasn't dead. Changkyun only had one second of bliss before the reality of the situation came tumbling around him. The stark white walls and the beeping signified that he was in the hospital. Changkyun pondered the various wires that connected him to machines, the hospital gown that he had somehow been changed into. There were grey curtains covering the windows, but there was sunlight pouring through a crack between them. Changkyun wondered what time it was and how long he had been asleep. He tried to put the pieces together: he remembered his belt, the way the cool leather pressed into his throat mercilessly and how he was still standing on the edge of the alabaster tub when he heard Jooheon come in. He remembered the painful feeling of his swollen knee as he stood on the tub. But after that, everything is unreadable. Changkyun wonders for a split second if his brain forced the events into his subconscious to protect him. Maybe it hurt too much.

_Hurts too much ___

__ __The pain hit Changkyun like a ton of bricks to his chest. His throat felt crushed and his chest ached with every breath he took. He looked for a nurse call button and hit it repeatedly. A small woman in scrubs dashed into the room with a smile on her face. She ushered a man behind her in a maroon button-down shirt, whom Changkyun recognized from their various interviews. He was their translator, whose name was escaping Changkyun's mind at the moment, his brain turning into mush._ _

__"Ah, you're awake," the man said timidly, as if he was preparing to step on a landmine at any moment._ _

__Changkyun blinked dumbly._ _

__"You're in the hospital. Your doctor is coming now." The translator spoke to the nurse, who left the room. Changkyun felt like his soul was floating outside of his body, watching the scene from the harsh ceiling lights. He had a million questions, but he had no way to put together his thoughts into any kind of coherent statement. He forced himself back onto the singular pillow that was flush behind his head and closed his eyes, hoping and praying that this was somehow a dream. A nasty, intrusive, but truthful thought crossed his mind._ _

_I wish I died._

___________________________________________________________________________

It was a several hours later when Changkyun awoke again, his mind exhausted and filled with thick fog from the sedatives he had been given earlier. He saw a figure sat in a chair against the opposite wall, the right side of his face illuminated by the golden light dripping in from the crack between those awful grey curtains. 

Jooheon.

Changkyun wanted to close his eyes and pretend to sleep again. An anxious and guilty feeling bubbled up in his chest at the thought of what he put Jooheon through. How he heard Jooheon come in the room and speak to him while he was still standing on the edge of the tub, the belt wrapped snugly around his neck. How he left the door unlocked so that Jooheon could easily find his body. Changkyun gently shook his head, willing those moments to leave his mind.

Jooheon saw the slight movement out of the corner of his eye and looked up from his phone, and when he met eyes with Changkyun, the look of sheer fear was palpable on Jooheon's face. Changkyun felt his stomach drop to his toes.

"Changkyunnie," Jooheon whispered cautiously, as if the smallest sound would cause Changkyun to shatter. Changkyun put a hand over his chest, feeling it heaving up and down as harsh breaths rattled his lungs. He felt tears sting behind his eyes, threatening to spill over with a flood-like force. He felt like a black hole was opening up in his chest. A dizzying sound reverberated between his ears, and it sounded an awful lot like Jooheon screaming.

"Hey, Changkyunnie, it's okay," Jooheon shushed as he timidly approached the hospital bed. He held his hand out and gently took Changkyun's. 

"You're okay. Breathe. Take a deep breath," Jooheon commanded. Changkyun took some deep breaths and willed himself to focus on the warmth of Jooheon's hand, the black hole in his chest closing up slowly. However, it didn't stop the tears from spilling down Changkyun's cheeks out of guilt, out of shame, out of anger, maybe out of all of them mixed together. He said the first thing that he had been thinking since he woke up and remembered the position he put Jooheon--his best friend--in. 

"I'm sorry," Changkyun breathed out with force. The doctor had advised him not to speak in order to let his vocal cords heal, and for good reason. Changkyun sounded completely wrecked.

"You're not supposed to speak," Jooheon chided, "your doctor told me. Just so you know, the others went to get food. They _were_ waiting for you to wake up, but then the doctor told us that you had been sedated, and-" Changkyun shook his head and poked Jooheon in the ribs, telling him that he should stop rambling. It was very obvious to Changkyun that Jooheon was ignoring his apology because he wasn't ready to talk about what happened.

The tension and awkwardness in the room was so thick. There were so many words left unspoken, but how could they possibly begin to say them? Changkyun was so sorry for what he did to Jooheon, but he was also riddled with shame and anger. 

_Anger that he was still alive._

Jooheon, on the other hand, was completely terrified. He was terrified of Changkyun and what he was capable of. He was terrified of losing his best friend. He was terrified about what he could possibly say or do to try to fix wounds that weren't his to fix, and he knew it was true. He knew that this depressed and suicidal Changkyun wasn't his to tear down and rebuild into a happier Changkyun. It became very apparent to Jooheon that Changkyun's life was his and nobody else's when Changkyun stepped off the edge of that bathtub. And he was mad at Changkyun for doing such a thing. 

But for now, after images of Changkyun's blue lips and his eyes rolled back into his head painted Jooheon's thoughts, he was just happy that he could see Changkyun in front of him, his cheeks flush and tears spilling from his eyes; it meant that Changkyun was alive. Changykun moved over a bit and patted the empty space next to him, not wanting to be alone. Changkyun knew that Jooheon was mad at him for what he did, would maybe never forgive him for it. Changkyun traced his finger along a healing wound on Jooheon's face in question. 

"Don't worry about it," was Jooheon's answer, trying hard not to let the bitterness roll off of his tongue with his words. He was trying so hard to forgive Changkyun, and Changkyun knew that maybe things would never be the same again. 

Even so, they fell back asleep, Changkyun's breathing comforting Jooheon and lulling him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it feels good to write again! i also want to thank all of you who commented and who are still reading this until now. feel free to leave a comment they really keep me going :o 
> 
>  
> 
> also find me on twt @softrapiine


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